Really?! with Seth and Amy
Thursday night, Saturday Night Live had a special half hour Weekend Update. Very funny stuff. The highlight for me was Seth and Amy’s analysis of Kanye West’s behavior at last Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards.
toddler rules
The following was read at the very end of a seminar I attended for work on Wednesday. With Sophia being at the age where she’s discovering everything in sight, I found this very cute and very funny!
Toddler’s Rules of Possession
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
In case you didn’t know, the seminar was called “Working with Difficult People”.
Mensa Invitational
You may have seen the following circulating via email (in fact, it’s been in circulation since 2005). I found myself laughing out loud and felt it was definitely worth posting. Thanks to Chris for sending! 
Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Straight No Chaser
Heard these guys on the radio yesterday on the way to work. Great stuff!!
SNL's take on the VP Debate
For those of you who are IE (Internet Explorer) users, click the link below.
Biden and Palin on SNL
Palin and Clinton on SNL
This is the closest I’ll get to blogging about politics. Tina Fey returned to Saturday Night Live last night to join Amy Poehler for a hilarious opening skit on SNL’s season premiere. Fey is perfect as Sarah Palin, and Poehler has always done a great Hillary Clinton (and she didn’t disappoint last night). If you missed it, click below to check it out.
walking with bears
Mr. Tony discusses what one should do when walking with bears on The Tony Kornheiser Show on 3WT.
I'm infected
I found this posted in the lab where I work:
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Stormtroopers Arrest Santa
Funny article.
“SANTA’S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) – An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa’s Factory in the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting its owner and confiscating his sled.”
24
With the writer’s strike in full swing, here’s a little something for Jack Bauer fans … 24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot
why he's still single
My friend claims this is the scientific proof he’s been looking for:
"how to deal with a smartass teenage son"
This is not about me dealing with Daniel. Most of the time, I tend to get mad before I get even. I found this blog entry courtesy of Digg – classic and hilarious.
“Hey, Mom. I need you to stop at Rite Aid.”
He turned in his seat and looked at Julio and they both smirked.
“Why? Are you out of something?”
“No, not really. I need something, though. It starts with a ‘c’ and ends with ‘dum’”.
Filed Under: Parents 1, Smart-Ass, Teenage Son, 0 | digg story
Teny Jr, Simpsonized
I’m not a big fan of “The Simpsons”. I watched the first season, but I don’t really remember much from it. I do remember them when they were just animated shorts on Fox’s “The Tracey Ullman Show”. But since then, I haven’t watched any of the series because I just don’t have any interest in it (or in the upcoming movie). I will say SimpsonizeMe.com is pretty fun. I uploaded a picture of me, and the site transformed me into a Simpsons character. Afterwards, I tweaked it a bit to get it to look more like me. If you want to make yourself a member of the Simpsons universe, I recommend reading these tips to get the best results. I actually like this one better than my previous “Simpsons” avatar, which I manually created.
bees and ipods
Found this on Digg. It’s stupid and silly, but it made me laugh (and it made my day).
I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to kill a bug on a cushioned surface, but they don’t die right away. Their exoskeletons are extremely tough, and it usually takes a ‘jam, grind, and smear’ technique to make sure the deed is done. But this bee didn’t die and immediately disappeared under my a**…
my Simpsons avatar
What I’d look like if I were on “The Simpsons”.
Create your own avatar here.
parking violations
I need to print some of these for CL and myself. You know, keep them handy in the glove compartment just in case.
Thanks to Venomous Kate for the link!
tony and the animals
I’ve been enjoying The Tony Kornheiser Show on Washington Post Radio. I’ve watched Tony take on Mike Wilbon on ESPN’s Pardon The Interruption (PTI), and he’s a hoot. When I discovered his radio show on iTunes, I was hooked for life. This show is so funny and entertaining that it has become my favorite podcast.
[UPDATE: Tony can now be heard on 3WT Radio]
One of the running themes on his show is the theory that animals are planning a revolt against the human race. Listen to Tony read “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary”:
Then listen to Tony read “Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary”:
You may have read these before from circulating e-mails, and if not, click this link to read them (courtesy of Veronica Belmont).
Gmail Paper
For those of you who want hard copies of your Gmail, Google introduces Gmail Paper.
Everyone loves Gmail. But not everyone loves email, or the digital era. What ever happened to stamps, filing cabinets, and the mailman? Well, you asked for it, and it’s here. We’re bringing it back.
A New Button – Now in Gmail, you can request a physical copy of any message with the click of a button, and we’ll send it to you in the mail.
Simplicity Squared – Google will print all messages instantly and prepare them for delivery. Allow 2-4 business days for a parcel to arrive via post.
Total Control – A stack of Gmail Paper arrives in a box at your doorstep, and it’s yours to keep forever. You can read it, sort it, search it, touch it. Or even move it to the trash—the real trash. (Recycling is encouraged.)
Keep it Secret, Keep it Safe – Google takes privacy very seriously. But once your email is physically in your hands, it’s as secure as you want to make it.
And in case you don’t know what today is, click here.
